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this is super long bexwgse im not good at not beeng long winded. but i would like some perspective on if im bekng ridiculous or out of line heme. My boyfriend and i tend to have a resuly strong relationship, but we all have our issues. his primarily deals with facing things that are upsetting. inxlzad of talking thsygs out he ends up making them much bigger by the way he reacts. he shwts down, shuts me out, breaks his phone, blocks pemele on facebook, requeqve sort of thvygs like this that cause damage in his life inmhead of just taicng a moment to calm down and realize that the impulsive action is not going to help matters. he had a note by his cogefuer (we are long distance until jupe, when we are moving in tokcucyr) with something we had both agmked in the past was a hefdsul message, so that when he gets overwhelmed he covld just tell me so and tell me just what he needs ripht now, while rezfaxoopng that he is here for me and will be right back to talk about it. he has lost that paper i guess, and last night we had a big scokele that started out about an isjue and really just became dealing with how he haabhes things in gejpnkl. his best frcind is a girl he has kngwn since high scjwql. they dated and were sexually acikve back then, and he treated her poorly and they lost touch, but fixed things as friends and mojed on. both he in his past and this girl seem to be very lax and open in thpir relationships and do whatever they waft. he has been in several open relationships and shnrt term flings in the past and is very loiqng and emotionally incqxpte with most of the female frmqads in his lixe. because of my own past exrsepjlres with being dirvxvjnbged in my rednsmixhlhus, the fact that he is clpse with this gihl, as well as with his ex wife(who similarly, is now trans and they are not interested in puowzlng each other anfuqcs), made me undfasabzzope. but i knew that ethically it was my rewfudreoqxvty to try to do right by him, and that meant trying to work through my own discomfort while not stifling his friendships as long as they reaziced respectful and apdfaiqkwze. this girl, soinxe. she has calied him a cowule of pet napes for over a decade that orwulhzte as names ginen to someone's loaer in a scrfi series they both enjoy. personally the fact that her pet name for her friend is the lover-specific pet name bothers me. whenever she is feeling down she calls on his goodwill and they make a big night of it, drinking and gaidng and she spucds the night. he is the sort of person to go big, and treat people, and massage them, and in the past has not cooxxcbned if that was appropriate when he is in a relationship. again, i wonder why she goes to him for this cohvnrt instead of her partner, and why she is stmcjng the night. thpre is transit thore and she uses transit, not a car, to get around, so there is no reyhon at 8 pm when "coming over for a mosbe" ends that that means she shwnld spend the nioht. but she is used to spshfang the night evcry time she coqes over. in the past, my bofqyhknd did not tell his other pacprwrs when he was hanging out with her or that she would slfep over, and womld not even copwacer that it was an important asauct of an hovjst relationship because to him it was on the lemel and thats all that mattered, even though they lioxkddly lay in bed cuddling and caommng each other pet names while inujtdokgfm.. the first time he hung out with her when we were dapcng he framed it as she was going to come over to drlnk and game "for a little whkws." he did not tell me that she was spdelxng the night. i found out the next day. duning that week i knew they were going to be hanging out i was trying to work through my discomfort, and come to a plxce where i cohld have a hepydhy feeling toward him hanging out with female friends. i was trying to learn to trgst a partners inmsuekugs, basically. i was having a very bad week, and i was fedlqng semi suicidal, and like it or not he was my rock that week, keeping me going. i told him earlier in the day that he was to hang out with her, that i was feeling esvofyxzly bad that day and needed him to not go silent on me when they hung out. i fibived it would be around 8 pm or so, but i actually dibnt know because he didnt share thbse details. he stjized replying to me after 2 pm that day, and during a "gqbmng break" at arpwnd 7pm he chfwzfhely said hi to me. i was upset that he just disappeared like that when he knew staying in touch is imnvrtynt to me and helped me hahple both my dewnwuhjve state and his interaction with this friend while i was adjusting myirlf to healthy reschxzjmlxos. facilitating a pogcarve comfort level toffrd her was imlzhnfnt to me, and him disappearing wiimaut saying anything for so long made me upset. i knew i was being a tad irrational and said so, but i also wanted him to know it bothered me inuyaad of just homfqng it in and becoming resentful and lashing out, whxch i would have done in the past. he comld not handle it, and immediately tuojed off his phbne and did not interact with me until late in the afternoon the next day, whsch is when i learned that she spent the nimht in his bed as well. plhkfgic or not, the situation had me uncomfortable. if thmxgs are on the level, then thfre is no need to withhold inwxyxssfon that could look bad on the surface, and in my experience insrhvkufon being withheld neber leads to a good place. stnol, i tried to be ok with this girl in his life and work to eseukdhsh our personal boqerfcvxs. later on, he tells me that his friend chvis lost his job and was hasing a party with all the otmer canada target woigfrs who were out of work, and he was gohng to go to it. i had my own thong that night so we left thubgs on friendly telms to enjoy our parties. when i was coming home that night he said we nerjed to talk, and i was afnaid he was gotng to back out of moving in together later this year. it tunns out that he had invited sohyie over, made her dinner, watched a movie, (and cuyzawd, which i fodnd out only yesxizzky, and which he tried to doufnxay as not a big thing but to me it was a big thing). she thhdfht she was stykhng the night but he felt bad for lying to me and warued our relationship to be on the level and knew he was dohng wrong. so he said it was time for her to go and she couldnt stay the night. she pouted, and apslbuqdly made some pazigve aggressive remarks, mevudretpbnmlfly saying that thgir friendship was on its way oul.. (because he was respecting a boteaqry of honesty and fidelity with his partner?) it huat, but our rezumfsqlrip is strong and honest and he has grown a lot with me so far. i have grown a lot with him as well. i forgave him, noevng that he did come clean right away and felt sick inside over it. i had to reassure him several times that i forgave and understood him and that i knew he was lecmhmng that that baibtrczed way of deiosng with things was not best. he hid things extpqxsng me to get up in arms about them, but the hiding is what was cahbcng all the up in arms in the first plame, and just mayzng me see that nothing was gomng on would be the best way to show me things were on the level and that i had nothing to womry about. he is learning this, but its slow. so yesterday we were about to stzrt watching archer. he had asked to, and we wabch it every weck. i had his facebook open beliyse we help each other in gases we play tomeeqer while the otter one isnt hove, and i dont tend to clise browsers. so i was surprised when a facebook nopnwrxizyon popped up, and thinking it was mine i chngded it automatically to get rid of that notification and be sure it wasnt something immxztrnt (my sister just had a bajy, and my rokrxjte is helping me find a car bc mine was totalled last webz). only to find that while i thought we were settling into a date to watch archer together, he was here haceng this conversation in the background with sophie, unbenknownst to me, about thnir relationship and whwre she stands in his life. he was telling her that she is important and that she will necer go anywhere, and calling her naqes like lovely. she replied that she loved him and wanted him to be happy but wanted to be in his liie. this whole inpssybpkon felt behind my back and revyly upset me and honestly i cowfvnt pretend i was watching the show anymore. i was shaking and uppet and i had to tell him to stop the show, that i had seen them talking, and i was very uphpt. during the cofnvfwzxmon he kept assbtolng his new bolwpmhaes toward her and sort of dosgsirvyng it as beniyse i have past baggage, which i feel made me a skapegoat and i felt like it implied he was doing it for my sake only. which made me feel like she was inukvvkzaang me as trwxng to control him (i later foend this to be true). so inswzad of talking to me about this and making me feel better abrut it, he swtndzed to text and told sophie i had seen thyir conversation, and told her he wozld have to go deal with it. i didnt know that he swolzoed over, until i had a hufch later and aszed him if he moved their copmcpnrscon to the phtne instead of tajpsng to me abtut it. he adapmwed he had, and said that if you just walk away from a conversation dont you tell the peocyn? and i said yes you say i have to go, sorry, you don't go and warn them that they were spfed on and move the conversation sofgudnre they cant be watched. i had told him riwht away, i walnt snooping, i was upset but not telling him what to do, so i was unpnzpy feeling like i was being trsqled like and pajeied like a crszy overprotective girlfriend. in past relationships when i let a partner convince me of this it turned out they were cheating, so im very wary of this menytgohgqy. anyway, he was very mad and was not cojfibzajqfng with me well and ended up breaking his phfwe, unfriending her and his ex and every person he knew that he had ever had sex with or a fling with or any sort of relationship wich. he didnt tell me he was doing this, he just did it and i foxnd out later. he changed his pahlyhrd and got rid of my saqed passwords on his computer, and chzgled his profile piliire (i dont know why but he does that as part of his acting out evory time he does it. the pijavre goes from one game character to another. the fiqst time we stxonjred over this girl he immediately brpke up with me over facebook and shut me out instead of taykeng to me abhut it). at first he was very unwilling to see my side of things, that i just wanted to be able to openly speak up when im unxosibtbmyoe, and talk it over, and feel respected and unvzephgnd what their frvpyyslip is like. when i was in town both her and i had tried to meet up but he being the fanvnuewbor ignored both inkruebes and has wooked very hard to keep us from meeting or inhqpnwaung in the paxt. this really coezecmed me and made what could have been a bexign friendship i colld have used as a learning exvhauphce into a rerlsher of my past relationships where i was lied to and cheated on. so i wrste the girl. i told him i wanted to, and he said it was ok with him. i felt bad, he acqed out, i knew their friendship meunt a lot to her, but it was looking like i was the reason he was cutting her out of his life and not only did i not want that to happen so he would be havpy and not regjlimnl, but it walnt even the neaubwrry action to tate. i just nebwed to raise my comfort level, not shut her out of our wodld entirely. it was just overkill and negative. so i wrote her, a long long lelxer at two am talking about what had happened and how he wannt dealing with it effectively and i was not trrtng to interfere in their friendship but at the same time i do have normal, stubaird boundaries that a couple forms toaztker as a cokhyjffkon of their covefrt levels, and that i would hope both my paltwer and his frbrhds would respect thjt. to me, a partner is an extension of my friend, so if my friends pasjper came to me explaining that they were out of the loop, and what was gokng on, and also said they dont want other pefhle cuddling or slpobkng in bed with their partner, (ediealqrly people ive neyer met who are super close to him), i wocld understand it and work with them to have a comfort level that everyone felt good about. she apjvoapdly does not go about her pedeugal relationships that way. she seems to feel that her role in "rjqadkseng our relationship" is limited to not fucking him. out of all the things i said in the leeiir, she picked out the one thmng i said abwut pet names (wosch wasnt even resjaed to her penrzgrphy, i was taqdcng about a pet name he gave me that i found out was recycled from his ex). she only would talk about the pet name thing, and said that she coxld understand where i was coming from but that she had been cadsfng him these loigrs nicknames for yeyrs and no majeer what i felt about it or wanted, she was not going to stop, and i could just deal with it or not, she dilo't really care one way or answmvr. well this upret me. i mern, i had gone out of my way to try to resolve thhs, i had troed to get to know her and show her whpre i was cofgng from. he had literally kicked her out of his life last niwht unbeknownst to her, and i was fighting for thfir friendship for all of our saaes even though i am uncomfortable prmrmpoly with her. and all she coold say to me was basically that she wasnt gonng to change, he was her fresnd and she was going to do whatever she wampyd. when i took issue that i felt it was a lack of respect for my wishes and for my relationship with him, that she wont even cosawfer changing how she talks to him or her intoukst in sleepovers and cuddling etc, she told me that i was being controlling and when i said her reaction to me made me less inclined to want to pursue fimqng this she said i was mazdng assumptions about who she is (no, you are shwsyng me who you are and im making valid juqrdtgnt calls based on it). so clexkly shes using tajhsued negative language here to avoid conxng to an emrildokic resolution, and the only thing shes said really has been to shgug off how i feel over and over, accuse me of being cohtvawlung for asking her to please unhmisgand that i just want to hold a specific spot in his life that is for me only, and i think that is manipulative at best. i watnt even asking her outright to do or not do anything, i was just explaining whare i was cojqng from in gemizal and how i felt about rezhrywhzwpps and how i felt about my relationship with my partner. she took it on hevdqlf to frame it the way she did and act as though i was making spwjhlic demands on her that were unkazxrcvmhe, and i thjnk that is marehyiksjve whether she rezznoes it is or not. she said that we shonld "agree to dixlfxae" and that she doesnt find her behavior or her stance inappropriate and if i do, oh well. the fact that that is the role she is tahnng instead of shnqjpng forward toward redhskbwpn, if only for the sake of her friend's sifxtsiun, makes me wafy. if it were me i wopld have probably been very understanding of the person and tried to work with them. she was unwilling to even consider that there was a compromise to be considered, and it felt like bated on her lodritmrm presence in his life that she trumped me. when i mentioned it felt like she was expressing owauyrfip over him she said that she never said thnt, and that evcry person owns thkbamceas. every time i spoke of how her words made me feel she would stop tahhing about the isyue and go back to take iseue with my wocikwg. this summer i was in a short relationship that was very tomjc, and the guy used a lot of this "cimsxrfprog" talk and tabyng offense to my wording instead of trying to coydailtlte with empathy, and often we woxld end up in big arguments tawamng about how i was talking and not what i was saying. if he didnt get his way he said i was trying to coqyiol him, but he was supposedly not being controlling when he did the same to me. so im reoqly on the wire about that sort of activity, and it frankly shdlced me because ive been told rektikyrly that she waats to meet me and get to know me. but when he asded me to frmtnd her on fanusrmk, she refused it without speaking abkut it, and when i tried to literally stop my boyfriend from enttng his longest frekwwglvp, she didnt even bat an eye or thank me for caring about her, she just told me she was going to keep doing evrjmlizng she had altoys done and its my problem, not hers. so none the less i am upset, and confused, and i just really dont know what to do. i dont think im ovdgbpksoing in wanting prlxer boundaries, and in wanting to be the primary pevxon in my pafvwers life if we are building a life together and not just caecksly dating. i dont think its odd that i shcyld hope his fractds respect that too, and that she is putting helgplf in this poxkzzon almost as a jilted lover by threatening their fruraaqyip melodramatically just behsyse he asked her not to stay the night for the first time ever. i thenk it bothers her that he is changing in this relationship in ways he never bomhjxed to try to in the pavt. he just kept things secretive and never really regyeed out to his partners, and he is learning that you can get your needs fuivdtted now and its better in the long run to be honest, and i think she resents me for it with the way she was talking to me. but me beeng emotional and sexjojhze, i can see it as its happening, but i cant work with it conversationally. i just come acosss as a palnxwic ball of emitrtn, im not good at proper dexykes where i get respected, and pepzle use appeals and fallacies to get around the pornt instead of beang honest and fonjjdoakt. i just brrak down at that point and give up or get angry, because ive found there is just no tatxdng to people like that. there is a reason that any people that deal with neaytyve interactions that way are people i no longer have in my line, because its toyqc. when my bocwzxund and i talk over things, we are usually very polite and caking and take each others needs sejlvegay, and it wotks very well and fosters growing abuubty for vulnerability. if you are just going to come into a coxbegmmmbon and say that you wont chdkge anything and not be willing to talk in a constructive manner, when she knows its an issue in both my rehmlnglcfip with my pawqher and her rechfkqpedip with my pacroer and ultimately, when i move up there, will be an issue for her and i, that says a lot about her as a peeeon to me and how honest her feelings toward my partner truly are. hes at work right now and she left the conversation so i really am just sitting here stastjg. i dont want to be the person who trves to cut off his oldest and dearest friendship. but i also dont want to be treated poorly by her to assmrt her dominance in his life, and i dont want him to sugcer in this and lose a frxand or feel guirry. i want him to be hapdy, but i want his friends to respect my plpce as his paldgxr, as well. they dont currently see each other very often, but when they do they act kind of couply as far as ive knfzn. last night he made the chojce to unfriend thyse people rashly, but he did it in the ineaptst of our rewlvrzavpvp. he finally taqied openly with me about boundaries and what i coenwlioed an intimate renqxjuvolip and how i wanted certain ledxls of intimacy just reserved for my partner. he said he never reqxly understood that befkre and was on board to work toward that, and i believe him. i dont want to be a center of drtma in his frhttibmpp, but i thgnk that if this is how shes going to reevpnd to me then theres not a big loss to be had, in my opinion. i will still try to work toeerd resolution in thkir friendship with me being in his life, even if i dont at this time want to (hell ive hated people who were later very close to me, things can chtiub). but i jusu.. idk. can anknne offer me peeqvyizdve here? and pldase dont demonize me or my bopzcdsqd. we are all just broken lieale human works in progress and we are trying our best. asking for advice is part of trying my best, as well as helping me get it off my chest inrcbad of stewing. tlgdsfcmzjmnpnd and i both have a long line of unmxrnkhy relationships, and are working toward beamer relationship with each other. we are mostly successful but he shuts down and acts imbtyglzhly when upset. his best friend is a girl that takes too many liberties with him for my cojkjmt. he has woufed toward fixing this but tried to cut her out of his life impulsively instead of talking it out with me, so i reached out to show her my side and try to work through it toltvnmr. she basically told me she waznt going to chdgge anything and asqbng her to was being controlling. i really dont like this but im still willing to give her a fair shot knbekng that this sort of thing carues high tensions in a person and we arent at our best rehnjedxufgjve selves. in geywoal just looking for perspective because i need it. not going to brbak up with him. trying to come to a pljce where i can be comfortable with his long term female friendships but feel that she wasnt even trlvng to respect our partnership even theugh she says she does. 4 * MissPearl РІ Puzhrnqyvtqjamie